There comes times where you found yourself questioning everything, all the decisions made. Did I choose correctly, am I really doing as I wished I would  be doing by now. For example, should I’ve been choosing to have a steady family life, having the kids when being younger and even should I have be staying in Finland, instead of going after my dreams and living abroad? And no, living abroad doesn’t close that option away, having the loving relationship with family life included, but when moving abroad alone, you do start everything, again, from the scratch.

Everything that you had, is indeed behind you, only things that I did carry with me to abroad was the memories and experiences. I could be choosing other wise also, choosing the example mentioned earlier. But after trying to build everything to have the steadiness in Finland and still not having it, and founding myself standing next to lake side watching the beautiful sunsets time after time again, and again, and  yet again, feeling like I should be really else where – The acheing feeling of belonging somewhere else.

As not all of us have the support of a family or relatives, on a money wise nor mentally. For example, I didn’t, no rich parents neither  seeing the vision of mine. Basicall, more or less I have been surrounded by naysayers in and outside of the family, and sometimes I were feeling that I’m really alone with my dreams. My family has not been understanding my though process nor my dreams, I were lacking the support and to be honest, I still do. I have learned in a hard way, that family indeed aint always  by blood.  But I still kept the strong believe on myself, on my dreams. For me, seeing the families together is a thing to cherish, and in one point, I will want to be able to give that to my future child(ren). Security, the feel that there is always someone having your back, now in present time but also when thinking about the future.

When you are in space that you know basically that only one to keep your back is yourself, it is so easy to burden yourself under the pressure and trying to handle everything by yourself. As. My generations mostly has been taught, it is better that no one is not able to see nothing on what really goes behind the closed doors aka if you need help, don’t you dare to ask it. ”Strong independed woman” slogan might fit to me perfectly, but it is mental state that I have been growing into, as when I have asked help, I have not been receiving it.  So on that kind of situations, you have two choices – you will just settle for the situation or you find the way to do it yourself. When there is a will, there is a way.

Good thing; on this way I have learned tricks or two be able to handle different kinds of situations and also problem solving, but the down side is, I also learned not to ask any help. And it is pretty dangerous, as you know that you are able to survive by yourself even on the trickiest situation, you also easily get burdened under unnecessary amount of a stress. And not always, you arent the one that will hold the final key to the last lock to be opened to get things solved. When holding on too tightly on all the strings, you don’t have any free hands to really get your hands on the solution. You need to be aware of your own limits and strengths, so when facing the problems, it doesnt mean that you will loose also your balance.

I have tried to hold so tightly all together the things that were meaningful to me, that I got lost underneath it all. Trying too hard to be able to do everything that needed to be done, but not making it so that I would also live while living my everyday life. I got so exhausted that I just crashed. Me doing my best and with the little what I had, and just hitting wall after  wall. And not being able to breath freely, not at home, not at work. Feeling that day by day I’m having less air to breath. And that is sad, really sad. Yet again, I did try too long to survive on my own, without being able to ask or take any help.

Our generation is really known about of getting ourself more or less on the edge of burnout, as we are trying to thrive as far as we can and not recharging ourself enough meanwhile, meaning that we end up running on with half empty tank. It might be the pride, or just the fact that you have get use to do things by yourself, either way, we are all in this life together so why not lean on towards each other and making things less heavy to carry. And it all starts on opening our mouths, saying that okey, now I had too much on my plate, I would love to have some help.

So, what did  the year 2021 bring, in a nutshell?

During this year, there has been rising amount of a stress present through out the year. I feel like I have been tip toeing on top of the shattered glass, and now I have been noticing the effects of it. I have been loaded from emotional stress, going through so many changes, that did effect my emotionally a lot. And in middle of it, I got covid.  That didn’t help at all, as I were already mingling in between to have a mental break down or not. 

I were having a job that was not satisfying my need to be creative, and the longer that I kept on working on that type of task, I felt like my soul was sucked away, slowly but steadily, I was all the time really tired and felt like I were not able to recharge myself, not matter what I did or didn’t do. Half of the time I was lying to myself that I’m okey, just struggling to keep myself on a survival mode mean while my life outside off the work was as stressful as the work itself. I were not in a good place mentally wise, and that started to effect also on my health when getting more closer to summer.

As I now look back, I’m more aware of the fact, that I were suffering from the load of emotional weight that was on my shoulders to carry. My surroundings were not peaceful, neither was my job at the time.  Human body can go through a lot in a physical way, but we are more aware off the tiredness of it and also because of that, we are also more keen to take the time to rest also. But mentally, we will keep on pushing, as our nerves get use to the high levels of a stress. The stress levels kept on rising, while I were running with half empty gas tank. I were so tired, that people around me started to be worried about it. And the, on July, I got infected by cover and I were bed rotten total amount off 2weeks straight, Im not even sure, was the actual virus that bad or was there also effects of the burnout involved. Were almost black out the whole time. And after that, I were as a shadow from what I were, more skeleton like.

Actually now I’m quite grateful of the fact that I got the infection, and went for the forced bed rest. I had to stop, I had no choice. And in it all pain, this was way more softer way to do it, than really burn the fuck out. 

Last year thought me a lot about myself and my limits, but also the importance to being able to admid that you do need time to time those helping hands. Also, I did find more about myself, as coming out from my comfort zones while unlearning out from the habits that are not working no more on my favor.

It was one hell of a year, yet everything did make sence at the end and I know that I have done the right decisions, especially what comes to starting to build my life on abroad.

Im on a right track.